What Exactly Is It?
by bat-geek01
Summary: Michalangelo has been very stressed lately but his behavior has escaped his brothers attention. It seems like nobody can console the youngest hamato brother and that only sends him spinning back into his own morbid thaughts. will he be able to find the way out or will he be lost to his own mind. WARNING: self harm and thaughts of suicide
1. Chapter 1

**A/N hey i know i have the worst habbit for starting storys and not finishing them (shame on me) but this time i know i'll finish this story and be prepared for constant uploading because i'm so far into this story already :) Also this story contains self harm, thouhts of suicide, and some mature situations, so just a warning if that's not your cup of tea. Otherwise enjoy.**

Michalangelo sat on the high rooftop over looking the ally below. This was a sight he had seen many times before but this time it was different. This time he made sure to stay steady on the edge instead of leaning over the side ever so slightly with morbid curiosity as to how it would look to fall. Ofcourse he hadn't really wanted to fall off the building in the first place but the thought had been there and somewhere in the back of his mind it still lingered. With that one last analyzation of his thaught he backed away from the edge and sat himself firmly in the center of the rough upper most area of the building. he turned back to his note book and began to write again. mabey a backstory to all of this is necessary.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"Hey, Mike... Mikey?...MICHALANGELO!" The sudden harsh voice in his ear ripped him from his thoughts. Beside him leonardo stood with his face twisted in confusion and the ever so subtle concern he held for any of his brothers.

"Huh...Yeah, Leo." Mikey replied

"Did you even hear me?" the confused look on his younger brother's face told him all he needed to know. " I said I'm going out for a training run with donnie. Can you handle dinner tonight? I won't be home soon enough to cook." Mikey only nodded and went back to staring at the wall. He knew it was probably for the best that leo didn't cook. He had no clue how but he swore that the eldest turtle probably could have burnt water. Right now none of that really mattered to him. His thaughts where on the fact that there was a new gang forming on the east side of town and there was a silent turf war between them, the foot, and the purple dragons already in full bloom. The new thugs called themselvs members of the smoking gun. To mikey it sounded more like some rip off illuminati-brotherhood of the whatever bullshit but he knew why they called themselves that. Thet took no prisoners when they struck.

They didn't hesitate to end lives whenever or where ever they wanted to. Another thing that had been concerning both him and his family was that they weren't like to foot who worked for shredder alone. And they wheren't like the purple dragont who dealt in drugs and robbings like low-life thugs. They could be loosley considered assasins. That was only because there was never any cause for the killing other than one or two valuables stolen from the victims. This was beyond stressful to the orange clad turtle. Out of all of the brothers michalangelo was the most sensative to what happened around him and he hated the feeling that death braught to the city. He hated what it did to his brothers. Every time they had to kill a foot ninja it bothered them for days after. When it came down to it it was mostly leo who did the killing. Mikey knew that leonardo hated it when he didn't get there soon enough to take the burden of death off of one of his little brothers.

Mikey was the only one left that that had never killed despite the thaughts about death that seemed to circle his brain more and more lately. It had been leo first about a year ago. He had blocked a hit that was meant for donnie and then ended a purple dragons life. At the time he had put on a face that made it seem like he wasn't all that upset but when they got home he headed straight for splinter's room. Only mikey noticed leo detaching from the group and had stood outside the door just in time to hear leo ask if people go to hell for killing. he remembered the strain in his brother's voice and knew that he was straining against tears. It want the question that bothered mikey because he knew leo wasn't going to hell, but something did get to him. It was that leo never cried.

It wasn't even a month after that when donatello killed a foot ninja in battle. He had known it was him or the foot soldier and eventually came to terms with it on his own but all the brothers saw the look on donnie's face at the time. His features contorted onto fear and they all knew that the purple clad ninja was positivley mortified by what he had just done.

Last was raphael. He took out a mugger who was about to kill a woman in an ally. It was a quik and rash decision but it saved her life so nobody was complaining. Well except mabey the mugger where ever he went. Raphael however wasn't cold about it or scared like donnie and leo but he just looked surprised.

Just then he brought himself back to reality to see the clock. It was time to make dinner.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o**

After dinner mikey, leo, don, and raph all prepared their gear and weapons to go to the surface for patrol. mikey checked himself over on last time to make sure his obi was on corectly then walked out the door of the lair with his older brothers.

Patrol that night was relativly quiet. There was a guy who snached a woman's purse early in the night but after that it remained silent after that. leo had thought it a good idea to have them split up into four different directions to cover more ground. Leonardo sent rahael towords the north end of the city while he ran east towords the docks. Donatello went south and michalangelo climbed the rooftops in the west.

As soon as the youngest turtle had finished his solo patrol he found a rooftop high enough not to be seen on and sat right on the edge and looked down. It was a flash of thaught. There and then gone but it had been there and what made mikey slightly concerned was that he wasn't surprised. It was only a thaught and mabey it was only there due to his stressed out mind or mabey it was just there from a sad movie but it was a voice in the back of his mind.

And it said "jump".

**A/N "What's up with mikey" you may ask. well you'll figure it out in the next chapter. so that was chapter one i hope you all liked it. and I'm going to update asap so get ready :) also feedback is the fuel i run on so if you have any suggestions tips or questions a comment would be greatly appreciated.**


	2. chapter 2

**A/N here i am two uploads in a day i am on fire :D so i hope you enjoyed chapter one and i know we're kinda jumping head first into the dark stuff but this is where i had to begin the story...but i hope you still like it :D so enjoy chapter two**

He stopped all other thoughts for a moment to process what his mind had just requested of him. It wasn't like he was depressed or suicidal or even the slightest bit self destructive. He knew that. But there was still a small fiber of him that wanted to see what it was like to fall and know that nothing would catch you in time to stop the inevitable impact with the hard ground.

His eyes widened a moment then snapped back to normal as if the change in his features had never existed. The turtle backed away from the edge he had been teetering on the moment before and began to run back to the meeting point so that they could all go home. He ran like the very wind wanted to race him and he loved that rush. It was something he knew could comfort all of his brothers because they had all been raised in such a way that even fresh air on your cheek was a blessing.

Mikey thought back to the first time he had seen the surface world. When he and his brothers where about nine years of age their father took them to a new part of the sewers where they could see the night sky. It was in one of the lower parts of central park that tended to flood when it rained. There was a large grate that was big enough for all four turtles and their master to see through since it was meant to drain large amounts of water. Since it had been a dry year there was virtually no standing water where they where save for some water in the cracks of the sewer floor. It was the forth of July and they had all gathered to see the grand explosions of light and color over the buildings of their city. Mikey distinctly remembered the warm air on his green skin and the smell of food that people where selling in the park. It was the best seat in the house seeing as how there where no trees and nobody wanted to sit over the large grate. He had only ever seen such things on television before so this was needless to say very exiting.

It was still what he considered to be the best night of his life because he knew that he loved the people of this city. He loved the smiling couples that he saw sitting on the grass and the children running and playing and he loved how happy people where when things like this happened. His father told him that the people here where different on days of celebration. He stated that they temporarily forgot to reflect the ugly side of the world they lived in and they turned into wide eyed children again. Splinter had always said that with a faint smile on his face. After thinking about the words Mikey decided that these things where always better through the eyes of a child so he joined the people of new york in their temporary childhood. Things where different now though.

They where no longer innocent, ignorant children. They where nearly grown. Hell Leo was going to turn eighteen in a few months. A month afterward raph and Donnie would turn seventeen. Mikey would turn sixteen about six weeks after that. they used to share birthdays when they where little but Donnie had done some digging into bio science and asked each brother to allow him to calculate their exact age through a blood sample. They had all agreed and not only found their birthdays but found that raph and don where from the same group of eggs. Mikey smiled at that. Raphael and Donatello had always been close and he chose to explain it with this. It also made him happy that they knew where they came from because of Donnie.

His thoughts broke as he arrived at the meeting point to see Donnie and raph already there and Leo running in from the opposite direction.

"Did any of you have a confrontation with a foot ninja on the edge of the east and south sides?" from what Mikey could see Leo looked rather pissed and he already none of them was going to like why. "well. Are any of you going to fess up or are you just going to sit there?" They all looked at one another shaking their heads.

"l don't think it was any of us Leo. I was on the south side but i didn't see any of the foot and you were in the east." Now Leo just looked confused.

"So none of you saw any foot tonight?" there was a collective shake of heads and a sigh from Leonardo before the eldest brother turned and walked to the edge of the building before gracefully hopping down the fire escape followed by his brothers.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

When they arrived home Leo went directly to splinter's room while Donnie and raph walked to the garage. Mikey split off in the direction of the stairs. He climbed them quickly and made his way to his bedroom. As he crossed the door way he flipped on the light. His room was cleaner than usual which meant that Leo had been looking for something in here recently. He didn't know why but whenever Leo came to his little brother's room he had the habit of subtly organizing his desk. All his Cd's where on his shelf with his comic books and his pencils where in a cup on his desk just like how Leo kept his. his bet wasn't made but the blankets had been tossed on somewhat straight. And lastly his beloved cat klunk was sound asleep on top of a small laptop that Donnie had put together for him last Christmas. Don had made each of his brothers one that year and Mikey had wasted no time in making sure all of his games where compatible with a computer. but of course only one or two of them where but Donnie had thought of that and had downloaded a few games onto the device already. Leo's had been equipped with enough digital books to fill a library. Raphael's had some of his favorite movies on it too.

Mikey walked over to his desk and picked up the laptop being careful not to wake the sleeping cat and went to place it on his bed. The transition from the desk went well until his laptop got a news alert which made a noise which woke up klunk and needless to say the cat wasn't happy about waking up flying so he jumped to the floor and under Mikey's bed. The turtle said a silent prayer that klunk would be able to find his way out of the mess below.

He turned back and opened the top of the computer. The machine hummed to life as the screen began to light up with a picture of his family and the icons on his home screen. In the corner of the screen there was a box that was obstructing raph's face. In the box was an amber alert on a 15 year old boy who had gone missing at a party the night before. The article read that the teen had simply been at the party and left to go home alone and never made it back to his mother's apartment. His name was max Clementine and he was just a little older than Mikey. A picture in the corner showed a young man with freckles and curly brown hair. He was standing next to what looked like a donkey in the photo and was smiling like the morning sun. Happiness even seemed to reach into his big brown eyes. He wore a t-shirt with a band Mikey recognized on it. it was a bring me the horizon shirt. Mikey adored that bands music and even had a poster of them on his wall next to his door right next to one of linkin park and shine down. The boy was leaning against the fence that the donkey was in and had his hands propped up on the wooden post beside him. He had bracelets covering his wrists on both arms. Mikey knew instantly why.

The turtle had heard of things like this. It was where someone would cut their own skin and then use bracelets to hide it. To Mikey the concept seemed strange but not totally unreasonable. He knew what loneliness and sadness felt like he wasn't stupid. Either way that wasn't what he needed to focus on.

There was something about the boy in the photo that made Mikey want to help him. He knew that everyone would be sleeping by now so he grabbed his gear and silently left the lair. He didn't know what he was going to do but he was going to do it.

**A/N oh my gosh that was a long chapter for me to write. But i enjoyed every minute of it and i hope you guys did too :D All reviews are greatly appreciated**


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